[ This Girl ]
Name: CyNtHia, can call me cynZ
Birthday: 15 OcT 1987
[ My Loves ]
Drinks: plain water and lemon tea, barley.. aiya.. not picky, can drink can le la
Movies: ice age! haha.. constantine, shutter.. lots more
Songs: running-nodoubt and of coz, the song u r listenin to right now.
+ + + + + up to you to add in the rest.
[ My Detests ]
Drinks: rose drink
Movies: humm.. i dun hate movies, i love them!
Songs: nope, none in particular
[ The Memories ]
+February 2005+
+March 2005+
+April 2005+
+May 2005+
+June 2005+
+July 2005+
+August 2005+
+September 2005+
+October 2005+
+November 2005+
+December 2005+
+January 2006+
+February 2006+
+April 2006+
+May 2006+
+June 2006+
+July 2006+
+August 2006+
+November 2006+
+January 2007+
+February 2007+
+June 2007+
+February 2008+
+May 2008+
+October 2008+
Sunday, February 17, 2008
i cant slp!! i got a freakin headache n rashes
ahould be the alcohol n steamboat at min hse on sat
but it was worth it i guess.. we had so much fun even though i lost 10 bucks playin mahjong.. min's parents were simply so nice n fun!! his papa cooks n makes a perfect mocktail blend
actually i was quite surprise as min nv invites ppl to his hse.. i haf known him fer 5 yrs n even though we r great frens.. he nv actually ask me go up his hse visit b4.. the same goes to all his frens he had known fer many yrs.. i admit im quite happy as this shows tt he is gettin to be more open and is positive to all the emotional wound he suffered previously..
he going brunei soon.. omG.. for 3 weeks.. my life is abit empty without him ba.. he is always ther fer me when i need him.. i believe tt he genuinely cares fer me..
our friendship endured even thoug im wileful and stubboen at times.. im nt a ger whu can gives i admit.. n he had always been the giver.. givin all in the friendship
i wanna sae i sincerely appreciates him..
+ [CyNz] remember agains + 12:16 PM
Friday, February 15, 2008
he obviously hates me..
i felt so guilty in wat i had done..
However, i cant hide things from him forever, its onli fair to him tt i let him noe..
he dun understand wad im going thru..
i hope one dae he will.. n lives will go on normally from there..
todae i went to watch jumper.. omG.. it was so nice!! im so jealous of the person's abilty to teleport to anywhere else in the world..
he has no cares and he lead a wonderful life.. i always wanted to get out of sg too!! when i find a place to settle i will migrate.. com'on.. if u wanna haf a dream.. u might as well dream BIG!
tml im going for facial den at night going my fren hse for a gathering.. my precious weekend is so filled up..
ine thing guo jun dun understand is.. Reeves is jealous of him at tt time.. he asked me to stayed wit him.. n i did attempted to leave him 2 times... within a mth 2 times is alot.. but he was v insistent he even asked me to marry him.. i guess a was naive n stupid den to stay with him..
the reason he break up wit me was obvious as well.. which guy wanna date someone whu is attached.. everythin they do is in the shadows.. when he left me, he said tt he was simply guilty.. he did nt wan a relationship like tt.. at tt time even though his ex came back to him he was skeptical as he was unsure of what to do..
i met up with him recently.. in fact he asked me to be with him.. til the moment i leave sg fer aussie.. i told him i will nv be his... but i will be there when he need my help.. tis is the promise i hold true to all my ex..
right at this moment im closest to my ex colleage alvin ba.. he actually understands wad im going thru even he does nt share thinkin wit him.. the diff wit him n guo jun is, he actually listens to me..
nahz dun worri.. there is no chemistry between us.. juz like me n samuel.. pure frens.. yet we cared alot abt each other den normal frens coz we help each other when they r at their weakest..
i was there for sam when he cried over a ger.. i was there when alvin break up wit his ex.. my presence may seems insignificant but the slightest concern to them cud mean a whole lot more.. juz like alvin is helpin me now..
Darren did asked me out todae... i turned him down.. i simply cannot face him at tis moment.. i feel pressurised.. i tink he will pop the question askin me to be his ger even though i turned him down b4.. but i was attached den..
yest was v dae.. i rejected dates,.. i went hm instead.. it was then he msg me.. he seemed so disappointed in me.. boi im relli sorri.. i didnt noe wad came over me then.. it's juz tt i felt so alone i guess.. u were not ard.. maybe a single mistake means everythin to him.. all thoes suitors i turned down coz of him simply doesnt count..
the fact tt i even tone down my guy frens.. sacrifice all my sat for him doesnt count.. i worked 85% of my life.. not a moment is wasted but coz of him i cleared one full sat for him.. i lived a tough life.. dun u see?
i didnt expect myself to be appreciated but i dun understand y he condemned me so much.. i noe he feel hurt but i do feel hurt too.. countless times.. especially the time when i sat beside him on the bus n i cried but he didnt even know tt im cryin.. it seems like even though i am beside him, his mind drift a thousand miles apart.. n trust me.. there r potential suitors with better qualities but i turned them down too..
reeves was coz he is v stubborn being the only son in the family n was v persistent in havin me as his ger..
plus, reeves is nt the reason y i break up wit him.. it wasnt even part of the reason.. he said he cry every night when he sleep.. at least he did sleep.. does he realise i cant? the agony of going thru everydae without sleep n workin long hours..
i cant sleep.. the medication i took is too strong.. the effect is like alcohol.. it makes my heart beat v fast, temp goes up and hypertension occurs.. i haf been thru hell.. by myself..
i ran away from my family is coz they dun understand either.. guys.. juz becoz i LOOK alrite doesnt mean tt i am.. the whole nite i lie down on bed in fear of death.. my chest was hurtin so much den.. i cried,.. but i nv went to slp.. i simply cant..
we should juz get on with our lives, shouldnt we?
he said he might go US, i onli wished him all the best.. he will succeed.. for i noe every bit of him.. i even nOe wad he is thinkin sometimes
omGG.. y is my blog revolving ard him..
i need to stop tt
cynz u r obsessed..
next mth i will stop my mind cafe work.. its too taxing to my health.. i need to get out in the sun more often.. get in touch wit my natural self..
maybe alvin will acc me.. i feel so comfortable wit him n my bunch of colleagus at work.. though they disturb me everydae callin me 'monster' n 'pu tao'.. i simply adore them.. they cheer me up so much in their own little ways..
after the movie jumper we went to sing.. stupid uncle wunt let me pay fer anythin.. movie tix, drink, cab fare all these..
next mth i will ne auntie cynz.. stupid frens keep sayin i cant look after small children.. humm.. wad if i could?? bleahz.. cynz will prove it to u!! i guess a gt a stubborn streak in me.. kevin nOes tt.. last time he confide to penny tt he tot v highly of the ger whom he saw as independent..
ash has been a wonderful support too.. *clap clap.
he was one person i nv feel shy abt askin for help n comfort.. coz he is a nice person and gave v good advice..
+ [CyNz] remember agains + 11:49 AM
Thursday, February 07, 2008
+ [CyNz] remember agains + 12:27 AM
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
it been awhile i guess..
i have broken up wit him.. this time round we r endin it forever. the chapter is finally completed.. the bk closed..
i did miss him.. the days i spent wit him.. tokin over silly stuff.. enjoyin the sun and of coz.. our lives are woven tighly ard each other...
i have been so silly.. wad ,makes me tink i can handle everythin? forgo-ing my love, my health n my family.. i overestimated myself.. im wore a steel mask. but in fact im susceptible to the gloom ard me.. i could haf died..
nOw i need to tell myself, calm down cynz.. tink resonably, wad had happened? wad had resulted in the decision u made.
when i was sick.. i was scared.. as in v scared.. i didnt noe wad will happen to me... as i haf a body tt is so healthy n strong.. i was nv vulnerable to that state..
after all.. the constriction in my chest woke me up from my slp.. i was contemplating if i should go to the hospital..
at that moment, I haf to admit im at my weakest.
I was in tears when I called him.. hardly being able to breath..
When he picked up the call, he was sleepy.. truly, it was fortunate tt I did manage to connect wit him on the line at all., coz usually he dun on the phone when he sleeps.. sometimes I dun understand y he didn’t tink of keeping his ohone by his side so ttt whatever happened to me, he can be the first to know.
The conversation we had was wad a even a fren will nt do.
He asked me if im okie.. asked me to breath deeply but pro-offer no more solution to tt even though I tot im on the brink of death.. death suddenly seemed likely n I was so scared tt I almost lost sanity..
He didn’t offer to come down straightaway even though he was at hm n a few hours away from work. Was he tryin to cut down of midnight fare?
I couldn’t take it anymore.. this relationship ha been strainin enuff.. I admit I wasn’t the best gf to haf when im wit him.. but If ever he is in need, I will go down straight to him at all cost..
I guess he did love me, but didn’t cherish the way a man should haf.. I was his bestfren, someone he loves n dotes a lot.. but his love didn’t extend to life n death cost.. maybe im too silly to realise tt as well. But I wanna ask, was I silly to expect tt?
I needed someone.. but I did realise tt person could nt haf been him..
A long time ago, I needed someone as well, im so thankfull tt nasir was ther.. he was my life support.. I couldn’t face the fact tt my mom was lying so sick on the bed tt she is nt even conscious,,.. he stayed wit me throughout night to take care of me.. I will nv ferget tt.. I was sick,, my familt drown their own sorrow.. was was probably to down to notice im sucidal.. actually I did needed ppl a lot.. juz tt the fact tt I appear to be strong diesnt cut ou the fact tt im a human after all.
Anyway, I was thankful to him.. I was so ugly at heart, at person at tt point of time.. onli he accepted e fer whu I was.. juz a girl.. a simple girl whu needs someone to protect from all the bad things in the universe..
I wunt sae guo jun is not a nice person.. he is in fact the sweetest guy a ger can haf,.. but right now.. I needed a man,.. not a boi.. I wanted someone whu noes how to handle a real n proper situation,,
I did love him.. otherwise I wouldn’t haf turn a blind eye to all that he didn’t do as a bf.. initially when we started out dating, we even faced the simple issue of him SENDin me hm.. tt not even pathetic, tts simply incorrigible.. but I noe tt im his first gf after all.. a lot of things he still need to learn..
I admit after the first time big quarrel we had.. when we almost break up.. it was coz a guy from the hockey team gave me a blow when we had a friendly match.. again I was streaming in tears when I called him.. his reaction at tat moment was simply, ‘ r u ok?’ and offer no more comfort.. he wasn’t even angry at that guy for hurtin me.. at tt moment I tot I could haf been raped, robbed n killed n he wunt feel a single thin I guess..
Anyway.. after that quarrel I refuse to kiss him.. even after the patch when we did kissed… it wasn’t even real anymore..
I gt to understand that fact tt when I no longer love tt person.. I simply cant feel anymore chemistry when im wit him..
Ya.. I removed the ring tt he gave me le.. at first I tot I will feel v sad if I did removed it.. but when I do.. it actually feel ok.. even felt better.. I haf finally removed the burden n obstacle I haf in my life I guess..
Im guilty..i did cheated on him a few months back.. I was wit reeves,, he was someone I met on tagged.. he is a playboy I guess,.. but nevertheless, I did feel protected and embraced when I was wit him..
I love the way I feel in his arms.. though I noe that he was juz toyin wit me.. I did love him in my own special way I tink..
I was stupid..
It was expected tt he end the relationship wit me as he wanted to go back to his ex.. shu was a hottie and she doesn’t mind fulfilling his urges fer sexual pleasure which is something which I will nv do.. firstly, I was still wit guo jun, secondly, im nt so stupid to give someone that dun love me my body.. call me conservative freak,,
But tts me I guess
Ppl asked me y I didn’t end up wit Darren,, after all he liked me fer so long.. tink ard 2.5 yrs le ba.. throughout my relationship wit guo jun, he adores me.. the reason is simple.. he is a splurge who has no regards of money and he does nt haf the capability to earn money,,
He is uneducated but a good n kind man at heart.. so I asked myself,, am I capable to spend the rest of my life wit someone like him.. the ans is no.. coz I dun wanna my bf or future husband to be of that status..
Though its nice tt he has always been there to boost my confidence when I tot tt I haf no one.. he was stil smitten by me..
Humm.. had there be anyone else. Nahz.. will there be new to come.. I dunno.. but I must admit tt I wunt be attached for a long time after all..
Cynz is simply nt a good person..
Do I deserve anyone?
I asked myself, how did I turn out to be like this,, I have the soul of a dastard.. someone who creates misery intentionally. I dream big.. yet im onli of this status.. will a ever achieve wad I wanted I nv noe.. but at the v least I dare to snap out of it..
I realise I cannot be wit guo jun after this incident. In fact he did manage to change me in small ways.. I was actually considering him as my future husband and I tot I could simple spend my life in the warmth of his glow forever.. juz being a simpleton..
Another reason of me leavin him was coz I dun wanna myself to be disappointed once more.. he is not wad a expected and I shouldn’t place such high expectation in him.. especially when im nt in the pink of my health.. wad if another attack occurs again n he didn’t come.. wouldn’t I be cryin more sadly.? He actually represent my failure as I haf chosen him to be my boi at tt moment n it wouldn’t haf been nice.
+ [CyNz] remember agains + 11:12 PM