+February 2005+
+March 2005+
+April 2005+
+May 2005+
+June 2005+
+July 2005+
+August 2005+
+September 2005+
+October 2005+
+November 2005+
+December 2005+
+January 2006+
+February 2006+
+April 2006+
+May 2006+
+June 2006+
+July 2006+
+August 2006+
+November 2006+
+January 2007+
+February 2007+
+June 2007+
+February 2008+
+May 2008+
+October 2008+
Monday, May 01, 2006
Father
In the word family, it means Father And Mother I Love You.
Father
They are the pillar of strength
The shepherd
The laughter and joy
The stern and masculine
The king
I love my father. I haf not came from a simple and expressive family. I did not lived together with my parents and siblings from young like my brother and sister did. I was the youngest.
I was young once, but my childhood was stolen from me. They ripped it away from me. It wasn’t a pain that was constant and slow, but a wound bleedin and gaping wide. I was left with two choices, to face it or not at all.
When I was six going to seven, they make me choose, to be wit my parents or not. I didn’t choose the latter. I was young and naïve. I noe tat I should haf a mama n papa in my life.
The choice I made I didn’t regret. For my family is some place I belong, n I nv had a prob fitting inside the picture. But some one tell me pls, y don’t I fit in the picture anymore?
My brother left me, emotionally and mentally, there is a wound unmend, till this v day. I rem the days when I feel hurt and cry, some one will hug me, rock me to sleep, y doesn’t this happens anymore?
Y is my father so cold to me? Y do I feel awkward in this place which offers me the security and protection for so long. Y do I feel the pain and sadness that leers at me from every corner? Everyone is so depressed, so lost in the own world, of bills and relationship, love and sickness. Love and concern doesn’t fit well anymore in their hearts? Or in my heart ?
He can shout at me, scream at me, beat me, or slap me. But I dun understand why he banish me into the realm of non-existence. I do wish to noe the reasons.. y? izzit becoz u dun like me anymore? I wonder if father can detest their daughter. Do I remind u of something so sick and digustin that tokin to me absolutely demote ur morale and firm standin in life? Do u look at me and wonders ‘how did I even came across the idea of havin u?’ am I a life size evidence of ur past failure?
Y? I need to noe the reason. I will take a plier, pry open ur mind, dig hard n harder til I find the ans. But my heart dun wish to noe the ans, of im juz afraid, that the v truth im seekin for will not set me free.
Yes, I feel hurt, inferior and worsen den a scum. I look at u wit defiant eyes and asked u ‘y did u even have me when u cannot take care of me?’ yes, I blame u, for not being strong enough for me to lean on, of not being there when I wan u too, for not noticing im sick , for not carin, for not being able to support me financially. U are the source of failure which I am todae. u left me, even since u locked urself in ur closet. The place where I could not reach into anymore.. ever since u lost me as a child in ur eyes.
God, I cant stop hurtin.
+ [CyNz] remember agains + 9:24 AM
