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Saturday, April 30, 2005
i guess im juz paranoid.. i dunno y this happen n i believe everythin happens fer a reason.. im juz v scared..
this morning i woke up wit traces of last nite dream clingin on the the fabric of my brain.. i cud still taste the sorrow n hurt.. n pain.. it is almost unbearable in my dreams.. i believe i cried in sleep again..
this happened fer long.. when my greatest fear emerge to threaten me.. of my comfort zone n peaceful surrounding..
last time.. i dreamed of the death of my grandma.. now is my mum.. how i wish i cub steal.. to steal not materials but life.. i would not steal frm others but frm myself.. to replenish the last wick of life of my close ones..
it was a terrible dreams.. certainly it is not pretty.. but it torched the fear inside me.. i long fer the stroke of assurance.. yet i dared not let myself sink into tat bliss..
i dreamt.. i dreamt of my mum is going fer an operation.. n i cannot go wit her.. i stood helpless in the empty hse of mine.. the absence of her demotes my hse from a comfy warm place to a void.. so empty n cold..
it was scarey.. i fear fer her safety n health.. the essence of her tat was so strong once b4 is no longer the same.. u noe,.. sometimes i juz wanna hug her.. but i dunnoe y, i always restrain myself.. perhaps it is true tat when u grow up, u dun show affection in his way.. i haf been taught frm young tat affection is kept in the heart.. there are so much unspoken words n apologies, n words of appreciation.. tat i cannot express myself freely.. however, i respect my parents.. i respect them fer bringin me up this way..
they sae dreams are often the opposite of reality.. i dun agree.. coz in reality,.. ppl die.. in dreams, ppl die.. isnt it simply the same ple thing?? wat i believe in is... God gave us a warning, a chance fer us to bring the news of the tragedy to the ppl ard us.. everytime i dream i became frightened.. i ask God not to take away the inevitable.. i asked selfishly fer God to let the close ones to stay by my side.. i believe God heard me.. He did, in the sense, helped me.. fer this i thank Him.. i noe tat once my mentality matures, He will not allow such audacity anymore.. so here i am.. nv growin up.. i will nv change my selfish ways.. i wan them to stay.. i relli do..
haf anyone woke up everydae to feel the perspiration runnin down her face, to taste her tears and to feel the heart pound? to feel so helpless.. i once told andy.. a person crys not becoz he or she is sad.. it is because the situation became so irreversible tat the person cud feel nuthin except helplessness.. God, i wish nobody will ever feel the same way as i do.. coz it is not a good feelin..
mom, i love u.
+ [CyNz] remember agains + 9:29 PM
