[ +a dReaM, a mYtH, a BeliEf+ ]

[ The Memories ]

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Saturday, April 30, 2005

dreamz

i guess im juz paranoid.. i dunno y this happen n i believe everythin happens fer a reason.. im juz v scared..

this morning i woke up wit traces of last nite dream clingin on the the fabric of my brain.. i cud still taste the sorrow n hurt.. n pain.. it is almost unbearable in my dreams.. i believe i cried in sleep again..

this happened fer long.. when my greatest fear emerge to threaten me.. of my comfort zone n peaceful surrounding..

last time.. i dreamed of the death of my grandma.. now is my mum.. how i wish i cub steal.. to steal not materials but life.. i would not steal frm others but frm myself.. to replenish the last wick of life of my close ones..

it was a terrible dreams.. certainly it is not pretty.. but it torched the fear inside me.. i long fer the stroke of assurance.. yet i dared not let myself sink into tat bliss..

i dreamt.. i dreamt of my mum is going fer an operation.. n i cannot go wit her.. i stood helpless in the empty hse of mine.. the absence of her demotes my hse from a comfy warm place to a void.. so empty n cold..

it was scarey.. i fear fer her safety n health.. the essence of her tat was so strong once b4 is no longer the same.. u noe,.. sometimes i juz wanna hug her.. but i dunnoe y, i always restrain myself.. perhaps it is true tat when u grow up, u dun show affection in his way.. i haf been taught frm young tat affection is kept in the heart.. there are so much unspoken words n apologies, n words of appreciation.. tat i cannot express myself freely.. however, i respect my parents.. i respect them fer bringin me up this way..

they sae dreams are often the opposite of reality.. i dun agree.. coz in reality,.. ppl die.. in dreams, ppl die.. isnt it simply the same ple thing?? wat i believe in is... God gave us a warning, a chance fer us to bring the news of the tragedy to the ppl ard us.. everytime i dream i became frightened.. i ask God not to take away the inevitable.. i asked selfishly fer God to let the close ones to stay by my side.. i believe God heard me.. He did, in the sense, helped me.. fer this i thank Him.. i noe tat once my mentality matures, He will not allow such audacity anymore.. so here i am.. nv growin up.. i will nv change my selfish ways.. i wan them to stay.. i relli do..

haf anyone woke up everydae to feel the perspiration runnin down her face, to taste her tears and to feel the heart pound? to feel so helpless.. i once told andy.. a person crys not becoz he or she is sad.. it is because the situation became so irreversible tat the person cud feel nuthin except helplessness.. God, i wish nobody will ever feel the same way as i do.. coz it is not a good feelin..

mom, i love u.

+ [CyNz] remember agains + 9:29 PM

Friday, April 29, 2005

my thoughts n feelings

i guess im abit xiao qi.. no.. is v xiao qi ba.. kinda frustrated with justin.. dunno la.. seems as if we cannot get along lo.. many things we cannot agree.. n i feel pressured whenever im tokin to him.. im givin this frendship a rest.. the last msg i sent him i mean it.. wo bu xiang make both of us unhappy at the same time.. zhe yang bu hao ba

ah pua msg me yesterdae.. haha. hai hao ta you xiang wo.. lol.. sae going me meet me n sis fer dinner soon.. lookin forward.. this time he treat wor..

humm.. todae josiah msg me.. muahah.. he still rem me wor.. smiles.. tink he break camp le .. den he like v shAgZ.. haha.. is all NS guy like tat?? humm.. anyway.. kinda funni tat we are still in contact.. especially our contact wit each other is pretty brief..

tml me going to stay overnight in elmo hse.. haha.. movie marathon.. so excited!! whee.. papa givin me alot of freedom these days.. i tink he realized he has to let go of me pretty soon.. especially his elder daughter gettin married le.. haha.. little did he realised i will not get married de.. lol.. anyway, i can i quite dong shi ba.. i swear i will not get involved wit guys in a disrespecful manner.. n i trust tat i can do it de.. will not let dad down,, since he kan de qi wo.. lol

recently my third aunt found me after so long!! haha. 12 years no contact le.. she still heng teng wo.. seeing her brought back alot of memories of my grandma.. kinda sad.. i missed her in ways i cannot imagine.. but i guess death is like this.. i had onli admitted this to 2 person in life.. one is kevin, the other is jackson.. i told them my greatest fear n enemy is death.. death separate love ones.. this SUX..

mum lookin better... colours are returin,.. in fact, she look radiant n beautiful.. luv her :)

she going fer operation next week.. God.. grant her protection n health pls..

+ [CyNz] remember agains + 7:35 AM

1B04 chalet 2005

ahh.. here is another entry.. haha.. speed typin.. coz alot of things happened durin the last week.. taman negara, expedition n also this... chalet!!

orh.. the origin of this chalet.. this chalet was MY idea.. lol.. i ask chun leong to organise since i will be off to many places and is v busy.. do ermz.. kind ah gong went to organise and plan.. n even paid first fer the bookin.. haha.. den i went to the chalet lo.. i made carok wait fer me one n half hour.. i feel so guilty!! but kind and wonderful carol did not get angryu.. *MUAKZ (hope u see this).. haha..

the chalet was INDOOR.. i mean.. relli indoor.. NO outdoor activities at all sia.. they played mahjong the whole dae.. n the whole nite.. n the whole day.. haha.. i got so so bored.. i got play abit la.. but i beri fast den sian le.. we went to eat burger king on our first nite.. i was feelin pretty high.. haha.. was lamin ard.. nasir ask me wat im buyin in BK.. i looked at him.. n sae MAC!! lol.. he abit stunned

den hor... at nite i went to meet chris lo.. like v long nv meet le mahz.. abt 2am like tat.. i was abt to fall asleep when he msg me lo.. ermz.. uh.. he still look the same.. but somethin changed le ba.. gan jue bu yi yang.. i c him, the way he speaks n gow he actually sort of push himself so hard fer money.. i felt abit xin tong.. as a fren.. dun wish to c him like tat.. i mean.. i believe all of us haf a choice.. n the thing is, we are still young.. we shud not carry such a heavy burden.. in society nowadays.. i guess not everyone is so lucky as to be pampered from young.. anyway, my klass mates huh.. V the GOOD wor.. i went out fer 2 whole hours.. from 2am to 4 somethin.. nobody call me n ask abt me huh.. haha.. i tot they will be worried.. but obviously mahjong kept them preoccupied.. if i nv come back huh.. dunno they will call anot!!

the 2nd nite was more crowded.. humm.. got miao cheng, li hua, jinyi, lining, shufen, si min, rui wen, colin, yee xiang, nasir, pearly n bf, jiaxin n gf, chun leong, jia rui, weng hua,carol, christina.. the BBQ was sucessful i guess.. though i the chicken is not marinated well.. n alot of stuff chao ta.. hahaz.. the guys hor.. zhen mei yong!! the fire was started by jinyi lo.. left the gers to do the stuff.. zhu tou!!

alot of us stay overnite.. i rem i was strongly persuadin colin.. lol.. the gers was talkin abt ghost stories.. the guys mahjong.. left me n carol oinkin.. hahaX.. but i am NOT sleepin.. lol.. whenever they catch me i will sae tat

haha.. these ppl dunno when will c them again.. klassmates fer one year. shared good n bad times together.. not relli v close but still manageable.. abit sad but also excited to meet next klassmates next semester!! hahax

tats all.. miss 1b04.. we rawkZZ// *cheerX!

+ [CyNz] remember agains + 7:08 AM

expedition trip wit the spac2go

the expedition trip ar.. was so so lahz.. was not as fun as the taman negara.. but hai guo de qu la.. todae elmo ask me to go fer another expedition trip cumin up in the 18th.. i agreed.. since the ppl going are from the taman negara trip also.. i tink i fall in love with outdoor n camp le.. muhaha

oh ya.. back to the topic, the expeditiion camp.. the weather was so so so damn HOT.. n u noe wat is the 1st activity when i arrived? yes.. SAND buildin.. i cud swear i had my brain baked.. or rather.. my skin chao da le.. lol.. it was fun though.. den we played alot of volleyball in our free time.. i tink im hooked onto vollet ball le.. quite fun!! haha.. daniel got teach me abit here n there la.. so still can manage..

ya.. den we got activities like utimate frisbee.. onli tis time it is the captain ball style.. fun too!! but i guess v tiring.. the gers ar.. alot of them sick lo..so left v little gers play onli.. den the guys not v the uh.. gentlemen la.. can bang ger to snatch the ball de.. rough sia

the night walk was COOL.. but the onli thing is huh.. they did not ermz.. look out fer red ants.. wahz.. kena alot alot sia.. den we were all blind fold lo.. so cannot c.. den v funni.. zhen long tell ghost story.. the paddle pop story.. heard b4 i tink..

got one game quite fun.. i tink call the twisters ah.. funni lo.. all of us in v awkward positions.. haha.. but in the end huh.. the competitive spirit goes overboard.. den spoil the game lo.. hai.. y ppl like tat de.. y must they be so competitive.. it is juz a game mahz.. everyone shub not cared abt the result.. but the process..

ar.. still got wat ar.. oh ya.. on the last dae v the bad.. coz got a bunch of malays come n find trouble.. v bad lo.. coz they ar.. take our things and they play some kind of drummin all nite.. we all cannot sleep lo.. den they got drink beer also.. gettin high i tink.. i was worried.. i nv sleep the whole nite.. was tokin cork wit thiam hock terence they all.. next dae i super shagZ lo.. when they go picture takin i sian diao.. haha.. if pix out le i sure look v ugly de..

u noe hor.. i tink throughout the camp.. it is more like a leisure camp.. because i tink too much free time le.. n not all the ppl actually participate in the activities.. somehow it seems like they haf a choice like tat.. n when we eat.. it is not together.. we go to hawker center.. n MAC.. whoever heard of camp ppl go mac to eat de??!! so weird rite?

me crave for those tough tough survival camp sia.. i hope there is more physical stuff lo.. i want some kind of adventure i guess... taman negara did fulfil my thirst.. but now i hunger fer more.. haha.. im a freak i noe!!

humm.. enuff of these le.. overall.. i dun require anythin frm the camp fer my nyaa or otherwise.. most importantly is i enjoy the camp.. the most fun part is the one where i actually waited fer the sun rise.. haha.,.. so fun.. sittin there wit the sea breeze n waitin.. though it was abit disappointin cdoz of the thick clouds.. but it is the 1ST time fer me to watch sun rise wor.. n another fun part was where we had the BBQ.. haha.. i made cheese TOAST!!!
they actually doubt my idea of cheese toast.. den dun dare to buy much cheese.. but it is relli nice lo.. ask frankie.. he ate 2 of my toast sia.. haha.. the food was not bad.. i had the most marshmallow on the day than in my whole life.. muhaha.. den we got diana n daniel to act fer us.. super funni!! heeZ.. kevin n i hosted a friendship dance n a game after them.. called husband n wife i tink.. cute..

humm.. dunno y?? i tink maybe too long nv contact le.. kevin seemed v distant frm me lehz..
in the camp we nv tok de lo.. onli when the time we host the dance we got communicate.. now it seemed even weird to sae hi to him in sch or outside.. guess some friendship does get diminished my time..

on the camp i saw nasir and the cls ppl.. they come n do forfeit.. lol.. the watermelon, banana, cherry and rambutan forfeit.. i bet nasir was damn pai seh when he saw me lo.. haha.. anyway, i enjoyed luffin at him.. (evil)

hao le.. tats it fer the expedition .. in the meanwhile.. juz wanna announced tat my voice come back le.. MUHAHA..

+ [CyNz] remember agains + 6:32 AM

Thursday, April 28, 2005

taman negara!!!

hahax.. taman negara super fun lo!!! i got to noe a bunch of super fun ppl.. haha.. got ahh.. dumbass andrew, elmo kaathan, elaine, you min lo.. we the six of us sia, tok cork alot.. haha
whenever dumdass and elmo get together, i cry.. coz LUFF too much.. ahhaah..
well, they did call me banana throughout the whole journey sia.. make me feel so bad.. LOUSY ppl.. lol
true to sae, these bunch of ppl relli colour my trip.. they are so fun lo.. i rem on the first nite.. kaanthan n andrew CARRY their beds frm their hotel to our room!! we sort of got a big shock
!! haha.. everyone was like " WAT THE HELL DO THEY TINK THEY R DOING" .. haha.. tat night was supposed to be dai da nitez. but we all fell asleep in the end.. zhen mei yong!! haha, but we sort of watch dragon heart, nice show!!
oh.. we went to this bat cave.. so small tat we had to crwl sia.. ahh.. was in serious DEEP SHITx.. lol.. got bat shit all over the body.. slipped a few times too.. in the end, the sight was awesome, we ended up seeing bats so DAMN close to our face..., haha.. alot of the gers was screaming! :o

we went to trek a few times, i rem one time we went to a mythical lake, the place was majestic! we went swimmin! lol.. i kept sayin i NOE how to swim but in actual fact i DUNNO.. haha.. in the end , the guys LUff at me la.. so mean rite? anyway, they throw stone at the water n it bounces.. cOOl, i rem xan tried teachin me la.. but failed.. haha.. den we gers went to the rocks n sit down, the guys joined us.. stupid la.. they were tokin abt some digustin things.. but it was funni though.. all of us would like to stay there longer de.. but hor, the other grp of ppl, eric and his klassmates i tink, they wanted to leave.. hai.. wasted.. but it was relli funnio.. on the way back they call me a BLUE MUTATED BAnana.. gosh.. how corny can they get!!! arrghh

2nd nites was not so fun fer me coz i kept fallin asleep.. tink body cannot tahan le.. so like tat.. initially they super evil.. wans to put toothpaste on me/!! haha.. heng i woke up coz im NOT sleeping.. n told them a super sad story.. lol.. curoius abt the sad story? orh.. it was a small thing actually la.. coz some guys like guan de and xan that grp carry the banana joke abit too far liaoz, tell abt very digustin things, den i abit not happy lo.. haha.. but after all, they got apologise la.. so HAPPY ending! at least things didnt turn bad la.. den in the end we all still FRENZ! it was kinda funni if u tink back though.. they create a banana song... lol.. changin the lyrics of xiao wei..

oh ya.. got the BBQ!! haha.. was so fun.. i attempt to cook.. the stupid chef keep luffin at me!! all i did was to take away his tongs without tellin him mahz.. n though the hot dog was uncooked.. ther is no reason fer him to luff.. n though i did not properly handle the utensils n gave up halfway, he shud not luff.. LOLX.. okie lo.. so i gRoofed.. but every1 does tat once in awhile, ritez?

relli missed the grp of ppl tat went to the trip.. n i mean everyone whu has went.. im tryin to get back all of their contact.. but tink it is abit impossible.. humm.. so far im onli in contact wit the 5 of them and of coz shaf.. this trip i got to noe shaf more n i find tat she is a V nice person too! i got closer to carol too.. even though we are klassmates fer one yr le.. this time is some serious bonding. you min was so funni! the silent killer.. he is alot of fun too but he hide it initially la.. kaathan and andrew shub go n act sia.. clown ppl! elaine was funni too, she take alot alot alot of pictures!

thats abt it la, nuthin much.. it was sad we cannot go back to the past.. n the ppl there we noe during the short period of time will nv come together each and single one again as ther will not be any opportunities in the future. but right now i still grasp on to the memories and the joy and laughter. love the sun, love the place.. it was pure magic.. n thank u fate, fer puttin us together and made it simply the best experience!

+ [CyNz] remember agains + 11:04 AM

Monday, April 04, 2005

todae math exam!

now in sch.. doing math.. but slackin now.. lolx..
i did all the past year paper le.. now nuthin to do le.. ermz.. maybe except for a few question.. or rather.. alot more?? lolx

yeaterdae v sian.. was sick.. came down with a stupid flu.. ya.. den was at home oinkin.. nv study much.. ya.. den i tink alot of ppl sick lo.. coz my fren call me also sick.. jialat.. stupid weather

humm.. abit nervous fer todae exam.. or rather.. VVV nervous la.. nv sleep the whole nite lo.. i go to bed at 11pm.. lie there til 3am.. den 7++ woken up my my fren's fren!! kaoz.. he v kiasu lo.. lolz.. he call me THREE times though i got ans his call lo..
he call 1st time.. i went back to slp la.. 2nd time.. i woke up le.. but he call THIRD time to make sure.. lolz.. v funni lo.. actually todae meet weng hua they all plannin to b v late de.. but in the end still arrive quite early...

me mum going to c doc.. n her operation date is cumin le.. i quite scared la.. i hope she is okie.. ermz.. yesterdae she suddenly look so so small to me.. kinda vulnerable..

jun min msg me last nite ask me bring watch todae.. touched la.. tat got so many ppl actually cared abt my exam lo.. even papa cook breakfast fer me todae worz!

hahaz.. hao le la.. got ppl seeing i write blog now.. abit paiseh.. write other time..

+ [CyNz] remember agains + 7:53 PM