[ The Memories ]
+February 2005+
+March 2005+
+April 2005+
+May 2005+
+June 2005+
+July 2005+
+August 2005+
+September 2005+
+October 2005+
+November 2005+
+December 2005+
+January 2006+
+February 2006+
+April 2006+
+May 2006+
+June 2006+
+July 2006+
+August 2006+
+November 2006+
+January 2007+
+February 2007+
+June 2007+
+February 2008+
+May 2008+
+October 2008+
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Perfect bdae
Haha
For once im not going to neglect the posting for blog on my 21st bdae coz there is a lot of things to be reflected upon.. Like my current goals in life, future plans and of coz my love life n family.
My bdae celebration took place on the 11 oct which is a Saturday and I have frens coming to the bbq.
Thank you shufen for comin and it means a lot to me..
Thank u shan mabel san yk jc and all those who shared the spa vouncher.. it is relli wad I wanted.. haha.. (n to tnk I tot mabel was hitting on my bf tt time at jc chalet)
Thank you to jun min Samuel Sharon all.. I miss Sharon a lot a lot..
Thank you Kenneth chun yan all for coming
Thank you poly frens nasir chun leong n especially Candice my aiai!!
Thank you sigma Aldrich for taking time to come n getting my pressie
Thank you guo jun for being my photographer
Thank you Kevin and zhen long for helping me to get started with the bbq
Thank you sister n jie fu, bro n dao sa and papa mama
Thank you cousins’ n aunties for coming
Haha
So many thank you
This yr bdae I got mostly wad I desired,, like burberry perfume and burberry blue label wallet, lesport bags and mama mia sound track..
A lot of accessories and make up n spa voucher all,
Flowers and cards and ang paos..
But the person I deeply wanna thank is my dear dear Tan Yi Ren., haha,, funny how our relationship took off and now we r heading easily to our 6 months.. yest I stayed at his hse.. at night when he prepared a surprise for me tt make me cry,,
Haha .. silly me.. but I was so touched. He relli did put in a lot of effort.. yest he bought me flower and those r the most beautiful flowers I received on my bdae.. it was tulips..he did a enormous card stating 101 reasons y I make he smile..
Haha.. though it’s me whu asked him to write but I didn’t expect him to do it so artistically on the card with purchase from art n craft shop ‘made with love’. He booked tickets to Singapore flyer and it wss simply the most romantic evening.. we had our dinner at japeno pepper with a splendid view of the open waters and the lights of the IR construction.. den we r so fortunate to go up the flyer in the private capsule with only the 2 of us.. haha,., it was relli great.. I felt so relaxed and so happy..
There was a full moon last night..
At his hse.. he surprise me with oreo cheesecake made by him early in the morning..
He is the first person to wish me 21st and the first to c the 21 yr old cynz.
When I went hm in the morning, surprisingly my parents no longer scolds me for nt coming back home but they were wishing me warmly on the 21st bdae instead..
Seems like they have already accepted Darren and treats him like family members.
I tink they no longer object to me staying over at darren’s hse..
Same goes.. I noe nothing abt how dear’s family feels abt me but he had once again assured me in the morning tt they like me and treats me as one of their own.. but I told dear tt im afraid of his family coz they loved him so much tt I was afraid tt they would hate me if I hurt him..
Its funny how our relationship progress and escalate tot the plateau and sometimes we think abt our future unexpectedly..
Sometimes I am bad tempered and I create a nuisance but he understood tt I juz wanted attention and he is so patient with me… I am juz afraid tt once day his patient would run out and he would leave me… if that day was to come… I will be crushed and left with nothing..
There r so many moments tt we had spend with our first experience tgt.. like I was the first ger he make a cake for,,
As for my goals in life.. im still hangin loose.. will arrange for an opinion of an mature individual soon.
Im meeting Chris later.. Maybe will get to c my dear after tt too. Tml is my day back at work.. abit nervous.. haha
I enjoyed my break thoroughly. Yest a thought occurred to me..if I get to get on a plane with my dear the experience will be great!!
Haha.. Missing my boi boi so deeply..
+ [CyNz] remember agains + 11:41 PM
Friday, May 23, 2008
tml im gOing sentosa.. haha
i haf to admit.. i haf been a hermit ever since i haf gotten the sore eye.. but now im oke le.. its time to party ger.. lol
i wanna thank him for stayin with my every single dae when im ill.. to be by my side after his work.. sendin me hm coz i cant c properly.. asking me to put eye drop every half hour as the doc instructs,.. n most of all,.. to endure with this ugly ger with specs n terrible temper cuz im ill..
its the first time i felt the strong burnin intense of chemistry when we touched.. its like.. woah.. tis time round i gt to make it right.. i juz wanna stay his ger throughout..
sometimes i dun understand.. y like a plain ger like me.. i c the gers checkin him out when im wit him.. n he not even a glance to them.. i juz cynz.. a geek with specs and a weird character.. i carry a bk wherever i go.. humm.. true to say.. i find him hot...
haha
i rem the time when i went to his hse n he cook for the.. cheesy salmon and minestrone soup.. haha
it was delicious.. i rem the times we went ice skating.. bowling.. cycling and roller bladin.. he is soneone in tune with me so much tt i wonder out loud to God above how someone can actually be so perfect..
haha
nt to worri.. im nt crazy.. he has faults too.. juz tt i am able to accept him juz like the way he accepted me..
he got me a ring.. spared no expense.. german steel and laser craved.. somethin so special..
initially i did nt relli tot i will cared so much abt him.. but he did so so much for me.. waiting for me to sleep every nite b4 turning in to rest.. naggin at me to drink water coz i always fergets..
i asked him.. whether if he is always so nice to all his ex gfs or juz nice to me.. he said he treated them all the same.. i am his no 6 and he is my 6th as well.
ger get a grip of urself.. u r crazy.. i tot of movin in with him.. haha.. dream on.. my parents will nv allow me,..
i wished time like tis will nv end.. he meets me everydae.. no matter where i am.. he will send me hm.. tis is enuff..
+ [CyNz] remember agains + 7:34 AM
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
freaking pissed.//i simply dun understand y they dun understand
idiots.. moron.. spastic parental guiDAnce
the fact i dun go to work is coz of my eyes.. they r red.. swollen and the doc was pretty concern as well// she asked me if i wanna be referred to a specialist.. n u noe wat my pa rents asked me?
;y u didnt gO to work todae?' in ACCuSINg tone
'r u missing from work too much?'
'do u nOe u dun earn money when u work?"
what the hell.. am i suck a lazy bum they tink they bred? i used to work 7 daes a week.. for goodness sake..
im the last person they should point a acussing finger to!!
what happens when they get sick/?? i asked them if they r ok? wan me to acc them c a doc? n i ALWAYS ALWAYS gave them money to c doc..
a few hundred at a time.. coz i wan them to recover fast.. n wan they to spare no tots to monetary matters as i will take care of tt..
n this is wat i get from them?
doo i call my own parents INGRATe?
maybe leavin home wunt be the only time after all.. i wanna leave them.. i hate to soften when i c them.. to look at the age lines n feel so much love for them.. i hurt after all.. dun they noe tt?
to c mommy move ard so uncomfortably.. to c papa havin difficulty when his leg got prob..
i hate that.. i hate to feel so responsible.. yet what do i get?
was concern over my health impt to them at any point?
they dun rem how old i am.. they dunno when im sad, happy?
they dun even noe wat im thinkin abt/? they dun they dun they dun.. gosh..
im not complainin am i/?? they r my own parents after all.. y am i facing such conflictin feelingS?
it is difficult.. when i tink of it.. n i realise.. they care n concern tt i wish i haf are all a dream i made up/.. a dream tt nv came true..
im hurt.. im cryin with my swollen eye.. will i go blind?
y dun i care??
ppl ard me.. my frens all.. at least they care..
my sis cares/..
darren cares..
i am only.. half lucky..
damn my unfulfiled life,,..
+ [CyNz] remember agains + 4:50 AM
Sunday, February 17, 2008
i cant slp!! i got a freakin headache n rashes
ahould be the alcohol n steamboat at min hse on sat
but it was worth it i guess.. we had so much fun even though i lost 10 bucks playin mahjong.. min's parents were simply so nice n fun!! his papa cooks n makes a perfect mocktail blend
actually i was quite surprise as min nv invites ppl to his hse.. i haf known him fer 5 yrs n even though we r great frens.. he nv actually ask me go up his hse visit b4.. the same goes to all his frens he had known fer many yrs.. i admit im quite happy as this shows tt he is gettin to be more open and is positive to all the emotional wound he suffered previously..
he going brunei soon.. omG.. for 3 weeks.. my life is abit empty without him ba.. he is always ther fer me when i need him.. i believe tt he genuinely cares fer me..
our friendship endured even thoug im wileful and stubboen at times.. im nt a ger whu can gives i admit.. n he had always been the giver.. givin all in the friendship
i wanna sae i sincerely appreciates him..
+ [CyNz] remember agains + 12:16 PM
Friday, February 15, 2008
he obviously hates me..
i felt so guilty in wat i had done..
However, i cant hide things from him forever, its onli fair to him tt i let him noe..
he dun understand wad im going thru..
i hope one dae he will.. n lives will go on normally from there..
todae i went to watch jumper.. omG.. it was so nice!! im so jealous of the person's abilty to teleport to anywhere else in the world..
he has no cares and he lead a wonderful life.. i always wanted to get out of sg too!! when i find a place to settle i will migrate.. com'on.. if u wanna haf a dream.. u might as well dream BIG!
tml im going for facial den at night going my fren hse for a gathering.. my precious weekend is so filled up..
ine thing guo jun dun understand is.. Reeves is jealous of him at tt time.. he asked me to stayed wit him.. n i did attempted to leave him 2 times... within a mth 2 times is alot.. but he was v insistent he even asked me to marry him.. i guess a was naive n stupid den to stay with him..
the reason he break up wit me was obvious as well.. which guy wanna date someone whu is attached.. everythin they do is in the shadows.. when he left me, he said tt he was simply guilty.. he did nt wan a relationship like tt.. at tt time even though his ex came back to him he was skeptical as he was unsure of what to do..
i met up with him recently.. in fact he asked me to be with him.. til the moment i leave sg fer aussie.. i told him i will nv be his... but i will be there when he need my help.. tis is the promise i hold true to all my ex..
right at this moment im closest to my ex colleage alvin ba.. he actually understands wad im going thru even he does nt share thinkin wit him.. the diff wit him n guo jun is, he actually listens to me..
nahz dun worri.. there is no chemistry between us.. juz like me n samuel.. pure frens.. yet we cared alot abt each other den normal frens coz we help each other when they r at their weakest..
i was there for sam when he cried over a ger.. i was there when alvin break up wit his ex.. my presence may seems insignificant but the slightest concern to them cud mean a whole lot more.. juz like alvin is helpin me now..
Darren did asked me out todae... i turned him down.. i simply cannot face him at tis moment.. i feel pressurised.. i tink he will pop the question askin me to be his ger even though i turned him down b4.. but i was attached den..
yest was v dae.. i rejected dates,.. i went hm instead.. it was then he msg me.. he seemed so disappointed in me.. boi im relli sorri.. i didnt noe wad came over me then.. it's juz tt i felt so alone i guess.. u were not ard.. maybe a single mistake means everythin to him.. all thoes suitors i turned down coz of him simply doesnt count..
the fact tt i even tone down my guy frens.. sacrifice all my sat for him doesnt count.. i worked 85% of my life.. not a moment is wasted but coz of him i cleared one full sat for him.. i lived a tough life.. dun u see?
i didnt expect myself to be appreciated but i dun understand y he condemned me so much.. i noe he feel hurt but i do feel hurt too.. countless times.. especially the time when i sat beside him on the bus n i cried but he didnt even know tt im cryin.. it seems like even though i am beside him, his mind drift a thousand miles apart.. n trust me.. there r potential suitors with better qualities but i turned them down too..
reeves was coz he is v stubborn being the only son in the family n was v persistent in havin me as his ger..
plus, reeves is nt the reason y i break up wit him.. it wasnt even part of the reason.. he said he cry every night when he sleep.. at least he did sleep.. does he realise i cant? the agony of going thru everydae without sleep n workin long hours..
i cant sleep.. the medication i took is too strong.. the effect is like alcohol.. it makes my heart beat v fast, temp goes up and hypertension occurs.. i haf been thru hell.. by myself..
i ran away from my family is coz they dun understand either.. guys.. juz becoz i LOOK alrite doesnt mean tt i am.. the whole nite i lie down on bed in fear of death.. my chest was hurtin so much den.. i cried,.. but i nv went to slp.. i simply cant..
we should juz get on with our lives, shouldnt we?
he said he might go US, i onli wished him all the best.. he will succeed.. for i noe every bit of him.. i even nOe wad he is thinkin sometimes
omGG.. y is my blog revolving ard him..
i need to stop tt
cynz u r obsessed..
next mth i will stop my mind cafe work.. its too taxing to my health.. i need to get out in the sun more often.. get in touch wit my natural self..
maybe alvin will acc me.. i feel so comfortable wit him n my bunch of colleagus at work.. though they disturb me everydae callin me 'monster' n 'pu tao'.. i simply adore them.. they cheer me up so much in their own little ways..
after the movie jumper we went to sing.. stupid uncle wunt let me pay fer anythin.. movie tix, drink, cab fare all these..
next mth i will ne auntie cynz.. stupid frens keep sayin i cant look after small children.. humm.. wad if i could?? bleahz.. cynz will prove it to u!! i guess a gt a stubborn streak in me.. kevin nOes tt.. last time he confide to penny tt he tot v highly of the ger whom he saw as independent..
ash has been a wonderful support too.. *clap clap.
he was one person i nv feel shy abt askin for help n comfort.. coz he is a nice person and gave v good advice..
+ [CyNz] remember agains + 11:49 AM
Thursday, February 07, 2008
+ [CyNz] remember agains + 12:27 AM
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
it been awhile i guess..
i have broken up wit him.. this time round we r endin it forever. the chapter is finally completed.. the bk closed..
i did miss him.. the days i spent wit him.. tokin over silly stuff.. enjoyin the sun and of coz.. our lives are woven tighly ard each other...
i have been so silly.. wad ,makes me tink i can handle everythin? forgo-ing my love, my health n my family.. i overestimated myself.. im wore a steel mask. but in fact im susceptible to the gloom ard me.. i could haf died..
nOw i need to tell myself, calm down cynz.. tink resonably, wad had happened? wad had resulted in the decision u made.
when i was sick.. i was scared.. as in v scared.. i didnt noe wad will happen to me... as i haf a body tt is so healthy n strong.. i was nv vulnerable to that state..
after all.. the constriction in my chest woke me up from my slp.. i was contemplating if i should go to the hospital..
at that moment, I haf to admit im at my weakest.
I was in tears when I called him.. hardly being able to breath..
When he picked up the call, he was sleepy.. truly, it was fortunate tt I did manage to connect wit him on the line at all., coz usually he dun on the phone when he sleeps.. sometimes I dun understand y he didn’t tink of keeping his ohone by his side so ttt whatever happened to me, he can be the first to know.
The conversation we had was wad a even a fren will nt do.
He asked me if im okie.. asked me to breath deeply but pro-offer no more solution to tt even though I tot im on the brink of death.. death suddenly seemed likely n I was so scared tt I almost lost sanity..
He didn’t offer to come down straightaway even though he was at hm n a few hours away from work. Was he tryin to cut down of midnight fare?
I couldn’t take it anymore.. this relationship ha been strainin enuff.. I admit I wasn’t the best gf to haf when im wit him.. but If ever he is in need, I will go down straight to him at all cost..
I guess he did love me, but didn’t cherish the way a man should haf.. I was his bestfren, someone he loves n dotes a lot.. but his love didn’t extend to life n death cost.. maybe im too silly to realise tt as well. But I wanna ask, was I silly to expect tt?
I needed someone.. but I did realise tt person could nt haf been him..
A long time ago, I needed someone as well, im so thankfull tt nasir was ther.. he was my life support.. I couldn’t face the fact tt my mom was lying so sick on the bed tt she is nt even conscious,,.. he stayed wit me throughout night to take care of me.. I will nv ferget tt.. I was sick,, my familt drown their own sorrow.. was was probably to down to notice im sucidal.. actually I did needed ppl a lot.. juz tt the fact tt I appear to be strong diesnt cut ou the fact tt im a human after all.
Anyway, I was thankful to him.. I was so ugly at heart, at person at tt point of time.. onli he accepted e fer whu I was.. juz a girl.. a simple girl whu needs someone to protect from all the bad things in the universe..
I wunt sae guo jun is not a nice person.. he is in fact the sweetest guy a ger can haf,.. but right now.. I needed a man,.. not a boi.. I wanted someone whu noes how to handle a real n proper situation,,
I did love him.. otherwise I wouldn’t haf turn a blind eye to all that he didn’t do as a bf.. initially when we started out dating, we even faced the simple issue of him SENDin me hm.. tt not even pathetic, tts simply incorrigible.. but I noe tt im his first gf after all.. a lot of things he still need to learn..
I admit after the first time big quarrel we had.. when we almost break up.. it was coz a guy from the hockey team gave me a blow when we had a friendly match.. again I was streaming in tears when I called him.. his reaction at tat moment was simply, ‘ r u ok?’ and offer no more comfort.. he wasn’t even angry at that guy for hurtin me.. at tt moment I tot I could haf been raped, robbed n killed n he wunt feel a single thin I guess..
Anyway.. after that quarrel I refuse to kiss him.. even after the patch when we did kissed… it wasn’t even real anymore..
I gt to understand that fact tt when I no longer love tt person.. I simply cant feel anymore chemistry when im wit him..
Ya.. I removed the ring tt he gave me le.. at first I tot I will feel v sad if I did removed it.. but when I do.. it actually feel ok.. even felt better.. I haf finally removed the burden n obstacle I haf in my life I guess..
Im guilty..i did cheated on him a few months back.. I was wit reeves,, he was someone I met on tagged.. he is a playboy I guess,.. but nevertheless, I did feel protected and embraced when I was wit him..
I love the way I feel in his arms.. though I noe that he was juz toyin wit me.. I did love him in my own special way I tink..
I was stupid..
It was expected tt he end the relationship wit me as he wanted to go back to his ex.. shu was a hottie and she doesn’t mind fulfilling his urges fer sexual pleasure which is something which I will nv do.. firstly, I was still wit guo jun, secondly, im nt so stupid to give someone that dun love me my body.. call me conservative freak,,
But tts me I guess
Ppl asked me y I didn’t end up wit Darren,, after all he liked me fer so long.. tink ard 2.5 yrs le ba.. throughout my relationship wit guo jun, he adores me.. the reason is simple.. he is a splurge who has no regards of money and he does nt haf the capability to earn money,,
He is uneducated but a good n kind man at heart.. so I asked myself,, am I capable to spend the rest of my life wit someone like him.. the ans is no.. coz I dun wanna my bf or future husband to be of that status..
Though its nice tt he has always been there to boost my confidence when I tot tt I haf no one.. he was stil smitten by me..
Humm.. had there be anyone else. Nahz.. will there be new to come.. I dunno.. but I must admit tt I wunt be attached for a long time after all..
Cynz is simply nt a good person..
Do I deserve anyone?
I asked myself, how did I turn out to be like this,, I have the soul of a dastard.. someone who creates misery intentionally. I dream big.. yet im onli of this status.. will a ever achieve wad I wanted I nv noe.. but at the v least I dare to snap out of it..
I realise I cannot be wit guo jun after this incident. In fact he did manage to change me in small ways.. I was actually considering him as my future husband and I tot I could simple spend my life in the warmth of his glow forever.. juz being a simpleton..
Another reason of me leavin him was coz I dun wanna myself to be disappointed once more.. he is not wad a expected and I shouldn’t place such high expectation in him.. especially when im nt in the pink of my health.. wad if another attack occurs again n he didn’t come.. wouldn’t I be cryin more sadly.? He actually represent my failure as I haf chosen him to be my boi at tt moment n it wouldn’t haf been nice.
+ [CyNz] remember agains + 11:12 PM
